Sunday, December 07, 2008

Katie's Got Questions...I've Got Answers (I Hope!)

The irrepressable Katie (whom I know better than to call Kathleen) ( has answered some questions from the opposite gender (that being men) on her blog, and had submitted some questions to a male to be answered on his blog. She calls this co-blogging, which is as good a word as any. Since her partner in crime has not yet answered, I will take up the baton of maleitude and attempt to answer them here. Bear in mind that I am looking at these questions from my own perspective, and since that is one of a married man approaching 40, I don't claim to represent randy young twentysomethings. I don't claim to represent 40 year olds either-as I point out in my disclaimer, I'm not even sure if I represent myself.

But now then, to the questions from the Katie:

"-What's up with the lack of interest in performing Oral Sex n a female? Is it ME or is it like men have adapted to a new religion that does not support giving oral sex?"

Ah. Er. OK. What?

Seriously, I am tempted to quote Chris Rock here. Referring to women who won't do the same on a male, he asks, "They still MAKE you?", meaning he was not aware women were still being constructed with that feature.

As will become a theme, guys don't TALK. About anything. But based on my own limited experience, and the few conversations I have had on the topic, I think men do, generally speaking, not have a problem doing that. I also wish to paraphrase film director Kevin Smith, who pointed out once on his podcast ( that a male who is not overburdened with physical beauty had darned well better get good at it. I think attractive men, maybe, don't have to work quite as hard, and thus may not feel the need to give what they would so eagerly recieve.

I, personally, love to do it.

I must say, briefly, in this anonymous, clueless male's defense, that it is HARD to do it, physically. The muscles involved get sore quite easily. But like anything worth doing, it is worth practicing until you get it right. Or get TMJ trying.

"-When out at a bar or any establishment created for males and females to co-exist and possibly mate - why is it that men consistently act egotistical, arrogant, and obnoxious ESPECIALLY when their goal is to get into a chick’s pants? Who are they trying to impress?"

Well, it seems to me a couple of explanations may be at work here:

1) The male in question is egotistical, arrogant, and obnoxious, and could not act otherwise any more than he could flap his arms and fly out the window.

2) The act is an elaborate ruse, meant to keep the group at ease by allowing them to deflate his ego. (IE I will tell my wife something like, "I'm sure you'll agree, because I'm a man, and therefore, naturally superior in all things." She will laugh hysterically, knowing that a) that is dramatically untrue, and b) I am simply setting her up for a joke to be made at my expense.

3) It's a cover. Men, more than almost anything, don't like being embarrassed. What's one of the first things an animal does if cornered? Make itself look bigger than it is. These men are bluffing, knowing they have nothing on the table, hoping they can steal a pot while no one else at the table is paying attention.

4) Men are jerks.

"- If you could perform oral sex on yourself, would you REALLY have no use for a romantic relationship with a female?"

No. While it is a tempting mental experiment, there are pleasures to be had with women that have no equal on this earthly plane.

"-Cheating: Why do so many men do it?"

Ah. The Big One. The Question To End All Questions.

Once again, several explanations present themselves. I have never done it, so I don't know, really. Haven't been offered a chance to, actually. But, like every male with a pulse, I've thought about it.

1)As with so many things in life, because they can.

2)Men are jerks.

3)There is something that goes out of a relationship after a while. I don't think it can be helped, I don't think it's anyone's fault, but I think it just happens. When you've been with someone for a while, you just stop trying. When the other person isn't trying, I think it becomes easier to step out.

4)There really is something to the biology/spread your seed argument. There's a cell phone commercial where a guy is sitting at a table at an outdoor cafe with a gorgeous blonde. (I have a feeling I should know who she is, but I don't.) She is talking, and he uses the reflective back of his phone to watch the butts of two women as they pass by on the sidewalk. She texts him, "OMG! UR A PIG!", and he kind of shrugs. There is a part of us that makes us want, in some tiny, lizard brained way, to reproduce with every woman of reproductive age we see. The fact that we don't is all that makes us civilized.

"-Why is one woman not satisfying to a man for an extended period of time?"

This is really kind of the same question. I don't think it is technically true.

Just like there are many kinds of pizza, there are many kinds of satisfaction. Kurt Vonnegut points out in many of his essays that humans evolved as part of extended families-for thousands of years, we had 40 or 50 people close by who knew us and loved us. It's hard for one person to be everything to another person, no matter how hard they try. Or, as Howard Stern pointed out in a magazine interview years ago, EVERYONE is hard to live with. Or, as Chris Rock says, every woman, no matter how beautiful, has some man, somewhere, who is just sick of them.

I think that a man can be satisfied by one woman, well enough, for a long time.

I hope so, anyway.

"-Why don't men communicate even to a smallest degree as much as women about their feelings? Seriously. Where is the communication gap, and why is it there?"

Another biggie.

Simple-men don't have feelings.


Seriously, this is something you could write a book on.

Men are conditioned, from very early on, that is perfectly okay to express feelings about a) your mother, and b) your sports team. And that's it. To express a feeling is to express a vulnerability, and men aren't supposed to be vulnerable.

We don't have the aptitude, or the language, or the grammar, to express feelings. We're afraid you'll leave, or you'll get mad, or you'll think less of us, if we express our feelings.

And there are whole areas of life to which, with men, feelings just aren't germane. I could fill a book with my wife and I fighting about just this topic.

I have a lot of discussions at work like this-how I feel about a policy or a rule just simply doesn't matter. I am much more interested in how we progress than in how we got here.

It's also part of what men like about sports-The Eagles beat the Giants today. There are many subsidiary storylines to go with this game, but there is a clarity to the fact that the Eagles add one to the win column, and the Giants add one to the loss column, no matter how you feel about it.

"-Mama's boy specific, but all men related: Why do you take your mother's side, even when she's wrong?"

Because she's Mom.

Seriously, I just listened to a Marc Maron comedy album recently, on which he admits, whenever a man is screaming at a woman, he is really saying, "Why can't you be like my MOMMY!"

I think this is overplayed a bit. She may be wrong, but a guy's mom and his girl are the two elemental forces in his life. There's got to be something serious at stake before he offends either one.

"-Is a woman's willingness to perform oral sex REALLY a deal breaker? Perfect girl in every sense of the word won't put your penis in her mouth.... do you really kick her to the curb?"

Absolutely not. Guys say this to be funny, and to sound tough and cool, but in reality? No.

"-Honestly, why are men so freaked out about male homosexuals? Is it really because you think they might pull you aside on the street and pork you? Do you honestly think you're THAT attractive to females?"

I think the last word is supposed to be "males", but this one is a mystery. I don't understand homophobia, never have, never will. I think guys pose on this one, too, so they won't be seen as less than manly.

I will joke with other men in just the opposite way-kidding about being homosexual. Of course, this is with men, like me, whose marital status is abundantly clear.

"-Which is REALLY better on a female; Shaved..or not Shaved? What are the benefits of both?"

Doesn't matter. The fact that we get to see it, and maybe touch it, is reward enough. I think shaved has a porn star/naughtiness vibe to it that is a bit of a rush, especially as a change of pace that implies, "look what I did for you". But it's not important, really.

"-Walking down the street - you scratch your nuts, its acceptable. Walking down the same street, you see a chick scratch her nether-region and she's got crabs? What's the deal?"

That's just crudeness, I think-someone is trying to make a nasty one liner at someone's expense. We all get sweaty down there, and scratching absent mindedly crosses gender barriers.

"-Pick Up Lines. WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!"

You have to say something, don't you?

I have never done the bar scene, so I really can't tell you. The only reason I can think you might use one is as a joke opener-say one so ridiculously hackneyed that you get a chuckle, and maybe that's your entry point.

I have to admit, the thought of approaching a group of women and trying to think of something to say sounds pretty terrifying.

Think about it from your perspective-what would you have them say?

Well, that's it. That was really a kick. I enjoyed it.

Begin the discussion, innuendo, and criticism below:


  1. Wow, I feel like my mind is so opened after that.

    Actually...I skipped over most of it. Skimmed, really. I am a fast reader. ^.^ Or something.

  2. You're the best! :D

    Of course, I'm off to a ladies night right now, and don't have oodles of time, but boy will I tomorrow when this goes live :)

  3. Thanks TO you all. I hope I provided some food for thought.

  4. it's nice to get some answers on this.

    as for the oral sex thing though . . . i tend to find that the guy is DEFINITELY less likely to give than vice versa. which is a shame. obviously i haven't good luck in the male department. but then i knew that anyway . . .


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