Now listening: REM, Monster
"Circus Envy"

Waiting for my courier. Have to stay, but really have nothing to do until he comes.

Waiting for something to happen.

I should explain-my wife and I are at a really bad place right now. We've backed ourselves into a corner financially and are baling madly to get out. I do love her. I do love my child. They are both good, decent people who deserve better than I can give them.

Sigh.

I want to blame Rollins for this dark place I have gotten myself into. But it's not his fault either. I got myself into it, knowing full well it would be hard to get out of. I took out the Get In The Van audiobook a while back,and I've just been on a Rollins-Black Flag kick since then. It's brought out all the anger I try to hide and bury under bonhomie.

I try not to decorate, Henry, but it's hard, man.

www.21361.com

Gave up on Augie March for now. Too dense.

Now reading: No Man Is An Island, Thomas Merton.
Just finished Garrison Keillor's Love Me . It was very good, although I find his radio show boring as heck.

Also continuing to work on Salam Pax. Since that's kind of what started me doing this, I should give some props. Like he needs them, I'm sure.

Still tired. Still on call.

Read a lot of blogs last night. I don't think I quite get it, yet. Doing this feels like whining to me-like who would really care? I probably haven't had a single damn reader.

I emailed a girl named Peach. She was nice to me. Her blog is full of life, with a sad undercurrent. I probably shouldn't have talked to her, but I'm so desperately alone, I didn't know what else to do. She was too kind-I am too boring for her.

This is pointless, like shouting at the wind.

"But in the last analysis the individual person is responsible for living his own life and for 'finding himself'. If he persists in shifting this responsibility to somebody else, he fails to find out the meaning of his own existence."
-Thomas Merton

"Marriage for sex is like flying to London for the peanuts."

--Garrison Keillor

November 1

Reading: The Adventures of Augie Marsh

The boy is asleep.

I'm off the beeper for the night.

Sigh.

Nobody tells you parenthood is so fucking hard but it is.

It's a terrible burden. I can see my sickness creeping into him and it's not fair but I can't help it. I don't enjoy anything at all and I can't stand it anymore.

Sigh.

November 1, 2003

Feel terrible-wife is at home with kid, while I'm at work blogging.

Oh well.

On call-that constant state of nerves-always ready for the next beep.

Listening-"One I Love", REM, Eponymous

Remember when this song meant something.

In the car- "Institutionalized", Suicidal Tendencies mix tape.

That suits my mood better at the moment, but the Car CD is on the fritz, and there's no way to listen to tape at work.

Oh well.

October 31, 2003

It's amazing the extent to which people will go to avoid work. It's Halloween, yet half my company seems to think it's a holiday.

I hate Halloween. I hate Christmas.

I am going to bed.

October 31, 2003

I'm not sure why I wrote that about the girl. I'm sorry. That was crude and unnecessary.

I hate my job and I hate my life.

I've had enough.

October 30, 2003

"Without A Trace" was tremendous tonight.

When the girl at the pharmacy bent over to write my name on my prescription, I could see her cleavage.

I have to lower my cholesterol soon or I'm going to die.

I'm not sure that it matters, though.