"Tell your statistics to shut up."

So the Red Sox are trailing 7-0, bottom of the seventh. "Unless the Earth opens up and swallows the Tampa bullpen," I say.

Our Man DP singles in Farmer Jed Lowrie.

That's good. Get a run for us. At least we didn't get shut out. But this game is over. 9 outs to go, 6 runs down? Come on. That's silly. Can't happen. I've written this team off, don't you know. Time to look forward to the World Series, then spring training and another fantasy baseball season.

David Ortiz, Big Papi, His Majesty the Ortizzle, homers deep into the grandstand. 7-4 Tampa.

Well, that's kind of nice. Ortiz showing a little spark. But it's 7-4 now, and into the bottom of the 8th. 6 outs to go, with a three run lead. Can't happen, right?

JD Drew, professional hitter, homers into the first row of the seats in right. 7-6.

Nice that we gave them a challenge, you know? Put a little scare into them. Send them into the World Series with our best wishes, right?

Mark Kotsay, Line Drive Hitter For Hire, drives a ball to deep center that BJ Upton reaches and just quite can't track down for a double.

Covelli Crisp battles, and battles, and battles, foulling off pitch after pitch after pitch, and finally drops a single into short right. Kotsay scores. Hello, what's this now?

So we enter the bottom of the ninth. Game tied. Our Man DP battles, but grounds out. Big Papi strikes out.

Oh, great, another 5 1/2 hour game.

7-7.

Kevin Youkilis grounds out to third. The desperate third baseman, Evan Longoria, comes in on the ball, makes a nice pickup and throw and......it takes a hop in front of Pena, over his head and into the stands.

Youkilis takes second.

Lefty JP Howell walks Jason Bay.

Howell gives up a line drive to JD Drew that rises, and rises , and falls just behind right fielder Gabe Gross for a base hit that wins the game for Boston.

Tampa coughs up a 7-0 lead, and Lazarus lives-popping up off the mat to pin their betters and live to fight another day.

Trailing 3-2 in games, Boston travels to Tampa to play Game Six, Saturday night.

Wow.

In the East, it is the early morning of October 17.

In 1781, Cornwallis surrenders to Washington at Yorktown, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1888, Thomas Edison files a patent for the Optical Phonograph, a prototype of the movie camera.

It is the birthday of Red Rolfe, Paul Derringer, Arthur Miller, Rita Hayworth, Montgomery Clift, Tom Poston, Jimmy Breslin, Evel Knievel, Cameron Mackintosh, Michael McKeon, George Wendt, Richard Roeper, Mike Judge, Ziggy Marley, Ernie Els, John Mabry, Eminem, Wyclef Jean, and Joe McEwing.

And me.

Happy birthday, me.