"Every man's death diminishes me,
for I am involved in mankind."
-John Donne
"You must go/
On with the show."
-Motley Crue
"That ye may be the children of your Father which is in Heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."
-Matthew 5:45
I haven't blogged about anything except the Red Sox since my father's death last Sunday. I'm not sure that I am exactly capable of it. It doesn't feel like I am able to be funny, or angry, or clever, any longer.
I think I will again, of course. I just don't know when, or how long,until I will be back to my old self again. I think, like F. Scott Fitzgerald's broken plate analogy, I will serve the same functions, while never being exactly the same again.
One thing that has been running through my mind is the utter ordinariness of what has happened. Not to me, surely-but this is an event that happens, or has happens, to a whole lot of people-the majority, probably, of people will bury their parents.
It is utterly ordinary, yet when it happens to you, of course, it is anything but.
I will be back in full form, I believe, at some point. I'm just not sure when that will be.
From Kurt Vonnegut's Palm Sunday, a selection from the funeral oration of the author's great grandfather, Clemens Vonnegut, which I read at my father's memorial service:
"To you, my next of kin:
Do not mourn! I have now arrived at the end of the course of life, as you will eventually arrive at yours. I am at rest and nothing will ever disturb my deep slumber.
I am disturbed by no worries, no grief, no fears, no wishes, no passions, no pains, no reproaches from others. All is infinitely well with me.
I departed from life with loving, affectionate feelings for all mankind; and I admonish you: Be aware of this truth that the people on this earth could be joyous, if only they would live rationally and if they would contribute mutually to each others' welfare."
RIP, Dad.
It's always different when it happens to us. I've helped countless friends deal with deaths of family members and other friends. You'd think you would have banked up enough "points" to be able to handle the situation and bounce back.
ReplyDeleteNot so much.
It's almost like starting over again for you. Life without Dad, and its hard as hell. One day you'll feel like its the end of the mental exhaustion, blogging block, etc. One day, it'll be the end. And that day will be the beginning.
Hang tough, friend.
When my mother passed away, I recall driving to help my dad deal. As I drove, I kept looking around and thinking "How is it possible that the world looks the same?"
ReplyDeleteIt took awhile and it still isn't exactly the same. But it is closer.
Take extra good care of your physical self right now. Don't worry about being funny. I don't think anyone would expect you to be.
Thank you both very much.
ReplyDeleteK.Com- Indeed, it is hard as hell.
AG-So right you are. That's what I keep thinking-how is it possible that, to everyone else, it's just a Tuesday?
Again, I'm so sorry for your pain. Your reading reminded me of lines from Macbeth:
ReplyDelete"After life's fitfil fever, he sleeps well..."
You are right...you will be surprised when you return to something more like your old self, but you'll never really be your old self again.
I've never lost an immediate family member. The closest for me was my grandfather, whom I just adored. It was seven years ago and just when I thought that sadness had receded, my one-year-old daughter has started to make a particular expression when I give her food she enjoys, an exaggerated "O" shape with her mouth and a long "Ohhhh" sound. It is the absolute exact same expression and sound Papa used to make. I've never seen anybody else do it.
His memory will live on in you, and there will come a time when reminders of him will be as sweet as they are bitter.
You are in my prayers.
Jeanne-
ReplyDeleteI appreciate that more than you can imagine.
Thanks.
Losing a parent is tough. I know, I have out lived them both. that empty space is never filled, but the pain subsides.
ReplyDeleteBe well.