The indisputably marvelous coterie of smartyboots at IndieInk.org have issued another week of challenges to we bloggery sorts. Everyone is free to join in- just check out the link for details, and you don't need to be especially good, or especially anything, really, other than willing, to be part of the challenge. (And longtime readers of this space will no doubt agree that this blog is not especially anything. Other than maybe long winded.) There are a couple of rules, but they're not hard. Everything is acceptable, pretty much- poetry, fiction, non fiction, collages, elaborate interpretive dance. Well, maybe not that last one.
This week I have issued the challenge "Eight Hundred" to San Diego Momma, and I have been given a challenge by wondrous Wendryn to describe either a utopian or dystopian society from the point of view of the lowest member of that society.
I have gone the fiction route once again, and I won't say anything more than that- the story should pretty much speak for itself. It's called "The River", after the Bruce Springsteen song, but it doesn't really have anything to do with that song. It's a good song, though. For what it's worth. (I did also watch the Denzel Washington/John Travolta movie "The Taking Of Pelham 123" last night. While that doesn't really have anything to do with the story, either, since it doesn't happen on a train or anything like that, there's no doubt that it influenced where my mind went after reading Wendryn's prompt this morning.) I also hasten to add that, for someone who said he wasn't going to say anything more than that, I sure am having trouble shutting up. Ladies and Gentlemen, "The River".
"Mr. Thomas? Are you there? Can you hear me?"
"Yeah. I'm here. What?"
"Talk to me, Mr. Thomas. What's happening in there? How did this happen? How did we end up here?"
"Ha! How did we end up here? God, I don't know. No, actually, no- I do know. It was all because of one mistake. Like a Springsteen song. It's like, you do one thing wrong, and then your life starts to just come apart. Like a thread on a t shirt, you know? You pull, and you pull, and suddenly you've got this huge hole, and the whole thing is ruined. And you've just got to throw it all away. It's kind of like a river, flooding and coming into your basement. You let a little bit of water in, and then more comes in, more and more, more than you can handle, and then it just washes everything away. How did it start? It was Wendy, first. My wife. It's not her fault- not at all- but it all starts with her. I mean, she's still beautiful now, but, you should have seen her then, man. She was catnip. High school. Everybody loved her. EVERYBODY. And she loved me. Just me. Do you remember how that felt? Do you? You feel like a god, like nothing can hurt you. And we were kids, you know? You're 17, and this beautiful girl, so pretty, such a perfect body, she is hanging all over you, and you feel ten feet tall. We did something dumb, but we were kids. People told us not to, we knew better, and we were always, always careful, and then, one time, we just weren't. Nothing special. We just slipped up. She didn't say no, and I didn't ask any questions, and then it was done. We made one mistake, and then another one follows that one naturally, and before you know it, you're just gone, man. Gone. It happened, and I asked her to marry me, and then we were at the courthouse, doing it. We moved into a place, and I was working all summer. I tried college, sure, they told me I should, and I wanted to, but I just couldn't stop thinking about her, and then about both of them, and then I just couldn't concentrate anymore. So I quit. I just left, and you know what? I don't want anything free from nobody. Nothing. Just give me a chance, and I'll earn my keep. So I started working, and things were OK. I made my bed, time to lie in it, right? It wasn't perfect, but it was working. Wendy had the baby, and then she tried to work, you know, tried to pitch in, but it was hard for her, she couldn't make much part time, but I was making OK money, and then things just got expensive, you know? Medicine, and clothes, and shoes, and Wendy wants to go to a movie once a month, you know? That's not too much to ask, I don't think. I keep hearing on the radio all this stuff about freedom, you know? How we're so free, and how all these other countries want to be like us because we're so free and because everything's so great here? Well, it seems to me you're a lot more free when you're on top of the heap then when you're on the bottom. They talk about cutting taxes, and how unfair it is that they've got to pay for people they don't even know. And I guess that's right, you know- you should be able to keep what you make, right? So I'm in Mickey D's to get a coffee once, I'm so tired, I'm dead on my feet, and there's this paper on the table, so I look at it, and it talks about how this banker guy spent like hundreds of thousands of dollars to decorate his office, right? Like, to put up pictures and get furniture and stuff like that? So I start thinking about that kind of money, like even a hundred thou? What I could do with money like that is, like, I could breathe. For once, I wouldn't be in this constant panic. I could get Wendy some stuff, sure, and put some away for my daughter's college, and all kinds of stuff, and this rich guy throws it away on chairs and stuff? I don't get it. I mean, I guess he was free to, and I guess he's entitled to, and I guess the bank must have made lots of money that year. So I guess it's OK that he has nice stuff, and all that. But I doubt, you know, I really doubt he would last very long bagging groceries, or hammering nails, or pouring concrete, or landscaping, or the stuff I do. It doesn't seem like sitting in a big chair in a comfy chair and telling people what to do is all that hard, not like I do. The stuff I did? See, I worked. I always worked. I never asked for nothing. Wendy told me a couple of weeks ago that my brother had been sending her money, you know? And my mom? And I appreciate it, sure, but it's just that, well, a man wants to feed his family himself, you know? So I worked, right, after I quit school? I did all kinds of stuff. Construction, and landscaping, and lawns, and all that. I worked, you know? All day, every day, whatever I could pick up. So I'm working on this house, a year ago, and I just turn the wrong way, and I fall. Not far, like six feet, maybe, and I land on my back. I go to the hospital, and it just never stops hurting after that. Never. I try the pills, and they don't work so good and I feel all foggy if I take them, and I try the exercises, and a back brace, and stretching, and nothing really works. Not for long. So I go to this lawyer, and it's more doctors, and more pills, and more bitching. Arguing, and court, and I keep hustling, and I try to do some stuff on the side, keep some money coming in, but I can't, it just hurts so damn much. So I finally get a little money out of the company, and then we can breathe a little bit again, but it don't last, and the lawyer takes a lot of it, and then the company goes under and stops paying. So there's more bills. I try to keep working, but it just hurts so bad, you know. I take every job I can, but it just hurts so bad, and I get surly and mean with the customers, not because I'm mean, just because it hurts, and they let me go. So I try to get disability, but I'm not hurt bad enough, and I get unemployment, but it ain't much, and then it runs out. So I'm trying, right? I mean, I made bad choices. We both did. And I own that- I did what I did. And I'd undo them if I could, I swear to God I would. I would. I love Wendy. I love my kid. But it would have been so much easier if she had come along a couple of years later. That's all. I did what I did. I made my choices. And I had the freedom to make other choices, you know? And I didn't, and I have to live with that fact. But I'm just tired. So tired of hurting all the time, and tired of hurting so damn much, and tired of being broke, and tired of being tired. So I run into Roger, who I knew from a couple of jobs ago, and he asks me if I'm looking, and he tells me he needs help on a job. He tells me where to show up, and not to tell Wen. He was always kind of sharp, the guy who plays the angles. Not dirty, just willing to do almost anything for a buck. So it sounds fishy, but I need the money, right? I just need it. I want to breathe again, not be constantly scrambling. So I show up, and Roger explains what we're doing on the way over. And I didn't expect this, you know? I mean, I figured maybe it would be a little shady, you know, some roofing tiles that fell off a truck, you know what I'm saying? But nothing like this. So we're on the way over, and he says that the other guy didn't show, so I have to walk in with him. And I don't want to, but I'm there, and I figure I'm guilty of something already, so why not try to make sure it goes right, you know? So we walk in, and then there's a cop in line, and he shoots Roger and Roger shoots him, and there's blood all over the floor, and I pick up the gun, I mean, I've never even held one, before, and then you call me, and now, you know, we're here. I mean, I made my choices. This country is all about freedom, right? But you're a heck of a lot freer if you're the guy who owns the bank than the guy who works in one. A heck of a lot freer. It's all about freedom, freedom for the rich to get richer and the companies, and the banks, and the courts and the lawyers, and the whole thing, to screw little guys like me, but when we try to get a little freedom of our own, we get nothing. I mean, I'm not saying give it to me, I'm not saying give me a handout. No free lunch. Just let me work for it, let me earn it. Give me a chance. It seems to me no matter how hard I try, no matter how free I am, it never adds up to nothing. People probably say, well, you had your chance. You made your choices. Now you got to live with the consequences of what you chose. And I get that. I do. And I am living with them, you know? I live with them every day. I do. But I was a kid, too, right? I was a dumb kid, and I made a dumb choice, then another one, and then another one, and then I'm here. I don't think you should be punished for the rest of your life for being dumb when you were a kid. People probably say, well, other people have it as bad as you. Even worse. And they don't do what you did. And that's true. I own what I did- every decision from high school right up until now, I did it. I didn't have to. But I did. You get to a point where you feel trapped, though. You are free to do what you want, but school costs money, and your wife needs her pills now, and your kid needs vitamins, or that antibiotic when she gets sick, or new shoes, or glue and posterboard for school, and it all costs money, and nothing gets any cheaper, not bread, not milk, not gas. Nothing. Yeah, I made choices, but I just wanted a little breathing room, some time to think, you know? And I never got any. Not once. I just don't think that's right. What's that song say? 'Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose?' My high school English teacher told us about that song. I mean, I love this country. I do. I love the fact that you can be anything you want to be. But the thing is, the thing I never got, the thing I could never explain to anybody, was that sometimes, you can't be what you want to be. Sometimes that job is filled, and you have to be who you are, instead. Freedom's great. It beats, like, not being free. But it's got another side. You're free in this country, sure, everybody is, but people with money? They're more free. Or it's a different kind of free. They can do what they want, and if they do make a mistake or something, it doesn't matter. They can recover from it, or buy another chance, or just adjust. I'm not asking for all of it. I just want a little bit. I just wanted enough so I could sleep and stop worrying so much. It felt like I was drowning in it, drowning in life, just swept away by the current. So many people have so much, and I just wanted a little. And I did what I did, and now I end up here........Anyway, I'm going to stop talking, now. My mouth is real dry. I want you to do something for me, though. Can you do something for me? Can you tell my wife that I love her. Tell Wendy that I'm sorry. Tell her, and tell my kid, that I tried, that I really, really tried, and I just made some dumb decisions. Tell my kid not to make any dumb decisions. Not even one. Tell her that. And tell her that I love her. Tell them both that. Tell them that I love them, and that I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I made mistakes."
"Mr. Thomas, are you coming out? Mr. Thomas? Are you there? Mr. Thomas? If you tell me you've put the gun down, the police won't shoot. I promise you. Just tell me you dropped the gun, that's all I need to hear. As long as you don't have the gun, we can talk about this. The police are here, but they don't want to shoot you. Just tell me you don't have the gun. Just leave it on the counter. That's all you have to do. That's all. Mr. Thomas? Are you there? Can you hear me? Mr. Thomas, just listen to me for one second. Mr. Thomas? Can you hear me? Are you there?"
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
52/250: "As Ready As I'll Ever Be"
This week's 52/250 theme is "to the core", and my story that they included, available here, is called "As Ready As I'll Ever Be"
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
100 Word Challenge: "Shot Down"
Velvet Verbosity's 100 Word Challenge has been certified by the Sheen Institute to contain more Tiger Blood than any other writing challenge. The word this week is ample, and my entry is called "Shot Down".
"Wingman," I said under my breath. Ah well- beats staying home, right? I sidled up behind my mark, hovering just over her right shoulder. Trey set his sights on the willowy blond sipping wine, while Bri had the brunette who keeps hiding behind her bangs, eating a salad. I tapped my target on her shoulder, sighing inwardly as I checked out her ample thighs and considered my role in tonight's debauchery.
"Hey," I said to her smoothly. "I'm Samuel."
"Hi," she said, giggling. "I'm married." She indicated her blushing friends, as my friends plied their trade. "They're both single, though."
"Wingman," I said under my breath. Ah well- beats staying home, right? I sidled up behind my mark, hovering just over her right shoulder. Trey set his sights on the willowy blond sipping wine, while Bri had the brunette who keeps hiding behind her bangs, eating a salad. I tapped my target on her shoulder, sighing inwardly as I checked out her ample thighs and considered my role in tonight's debauchery.
"Hey," I said to her smoothly. "I'm Samuel."
"Hi," she said, giggling. "I'm married." She indicated her blushing friends, as my friends plied their trade. "They're both single, though."
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
IndieInk Writing Challenge: "Hungry Heart"
The fine folks at IndieInk.Org have begun another rondelet of Writing Challenges, wherein various and sundry bloggers (and, one must admit, there are few people as sundry as bloggers) issue challenges to others and are in turn themselves challenged. My challenge will reside here when my compatriot completes it, and my challenge, from the selfsame luminous Ms. Boorn, is "if you could have a day to do anything...".
I'm going to once again attempt a Tim Duncan style bank shot here. Rather than write literally about my perfect day (which would involve 20 hours of sleep, probably, followed by a meal and four hours of watching Ken Burns' "Baseball".), I'm going to take it as a fiction prompt. Not what the author intended, I'm sure. But things seldom come out as we intend, do they?
I emphasize once again, for those who may or may not be related to me, that this is fiction. Made up. 100% not true. Never happened.
The story is called "Hungry Heart".
"So what do you want to do today," she asked, looking at the ceiling. Her voice was thick with sleep.
"Same thing I want to do every day, Pinky," I said, my voice also raspy, looking at her out of one eye. "Try and take over the world."
She chuckled.
"No, really. It's your birthday. You're not working. We should do something you want you want to do." She cleared her throat. I understood what she meant, but the question still didn't make any sense.
She half turned towards me. Her body was between us. I reached my hand out, brushing her belly, touching her thigh. It was slightly prickly.
"Oh," she said, sounding grave and serious. "Oh, uh, no. I can't. No. Not...not now. OK?"
"Sure," I said. I ran my hand up and onto her hip.
"Besides, we can't just do that all day."
"We could try."
She chuckled again. "We'd have to eat."
"We'll order in," I said calmly.
"I'd have to pee eventually," she said lightly, stifling a laugh.
"I'll change the sheets," I said.
She laughed, coughed, and cleared her throat again.
"You're too funny. What do you want to do today, really? You won't have many more days like this."
I felt the word hit me like a slap. The thought of that shadowed my every move. "We could go see a movie."
"I can't get comfortable in those seats." She yawned and stretched. I watched the fabric strain as it was pulled taut.
"We could go shopping."
"You hate shopping."
"We could go shopping for books." I knew, even as I said it, I would feel too guilty to buy anything more expensive than an issue of "Rolling Stone".
"That isn't real shopping. Besides, my feet hurt when I stand up for too long."
"I can think of something that doesn't require any standing at all."
She giggled. "We already discussed that."
We were quiet for a minute. A car went by outside, the bass from their stereo audible through our walls. The car pulled away down the street.
"What do YOU want to do," she insisted, pushing herself upright. I rolled onto my back.
For months, that question had been as theoretical as "how are you going to spend your lottery winnings?". It doesn't matter what I want, it only matters what I have to do, I said silently. Want? I want to get a stack of CDs and a change of clothes and start driving west, singing along with Bruce Springsteen songs until my voice gets hoarse. I want to get away from need, from obligation, from guilt and money and fear and returned check fees and that sick feeling I get now when I look at her. I didn't know where to go, but the need to leave was so acute it was almost physical, vibrating in my limbs like a virus. My heart thumped loudly for a minute, then was quiet again.
She walked across the room, toward the bathroom, her stride ungainly and slow, her question hanging in the air between us. I saw her in profile, the person she was now and the person she was becoming all at once.
"How about I spend the day being with you?," I asked her back as she opened the door.
"That sounds awesome," she said, the smile in her tone as she shut the door without looking back at me. It clicked shut firmly. I looked up at the ceiling.
I'm going to once again attempt a Tim Duncan style bank shot here. Rather than write literally about my perfect day (which would involve 20 hours of sleep, probably, followed by a meal and four hours of watching Ken Burns' "Baseball".), I'm going to take it as a fiction prompt. Not what the author intended, I'm sure. But things seldom come out as we intend, do they?
I emphasize once again, for those who may or may not be related to me, that this is fiction. Made up. 100% not true. Never happened.
The story is called "Hungry Heart".
"So what do you want to do today," she asked, looking at the ceiling. Her voice was thick with sleep.
"Same thing I want to do every day, Pinky," I said, my voice also raspy, looking at her out of one eye. "Try and take over the world."
She chuckled.
"No, really. It's your birthday. You're not working. We should do something you want you want to do." She cleared her throat. I understood what she meant, but the question still didn't make any sense.
She half turned towards me. Her body was between us. I reached my hand out, brushing her belly, touching her thigh. It was slightly prickly.
"Oh," she said, sounding grave and serious. "Oh, uh, no. I can't. No. Not...not now. OK?"
"Sure," I said. I ran my hand up and onto her hip.
"Besides, we can't just do that all day."
"We could try."
She chuckled again. "We'd have to eat."
"We'll order in," I said calmly.
"I'd have to pee eventually," she said lightly, stifling a laugh.
"I'll change the sheets," I said.
She laughed, coughed, and cleared her throat again.
"You're too funny. What do you want to do today, really? You won't have many more days like this."
I felt the word hit me like a slap. The thought of that shadowed my every move. "We could go see a movie."
"I can't get comfortable in those seats." She yawned and stretched. I watched the fabric strain as it was pulled taut.
"We could go shopping."
"You hate shopping."
"We could go shopping for books." I knew, even as I said it, I would feel too guilty to buy anything more expensive than an issue of "Rolling Stone".
"That isn't real shopping. Besides, my feet hurt when I stand up for too long."
"I can think of something that doesn't require any standing at all."
She giggled. "We already discussed that."
We were quiet for a minute. A car went by outside, the bass from their stereo audible through our walls. The car pulled away down the street.
"What do YOU want to do," she insisted, pushing herself upright. I rolled onto my back.
For months, that question had been as theoretical as "how are you going to spend your lottery winnings?". It doesn't matter what I want, it only matters what I have to do, I said silently. Want? I want to get a stack of CDs and a change of clothes and start driving west, singing along with Bruce Springsteen songs until my voice gets hoarse. I want to get away from need, from obligation, from guilt and money and fear and returned check fees and that sick feeling I get now when I look at her. I didn't know where to go, but the need to leave was so acute it was almost physical, vibrating in my limbs like a virus. My heart thumped loudly for a minute, then was quiet again.
She walked across the room, toward the bathroom, her stride ungainly and slow, her question hanging in the air between us. I saw her in profile, the person she was now and the person she was becoming all at once.
"How about I spend the day being with you?," I asked her back as she opened the door.
"That sounds awesome," she said, the smile in her tone as she shut the door without looking back at me. It clicked shut firmly. I looked up at the ceiling.
Friday, March 04, 2011
The Friday 56!
Ashelynn Sanford is hosting the Friday 56- one of those things. You know. Those things. Take the nearest book to you, open it to page 56, and type in the fifth sentence. (Along with a couple more to provide context, if necessary.)
Mine comes from Alan Moore's "V for Vendetta".
"'Listen.'
'You can call me Y. The Lord is my shepherd: therefore I can lack nothing: He shall feed me in green pasture and lead me forth beside the waters of comfort.'"
Mine comes from Alan Moore's "V for Vendetta".
"'Listen.'
'You can call me Y. The Lord is my shepherd: therefore I can lack nothing: He shall feed me in green pasture and lead me forth beside the waters of comfort.'"
Flashing (and Not Drinking) On Friday
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
From The Reject Pile: The 12th Round
Another mediocre jump shot slapped back into my face, a 250 word story on the theme "Another World". The story, "The 12th Round", follows here:
Your children are like you, only they're not. They are fun house versions of you, with some of your features: your nose, her eyes, your impatience, her vanity. They are precious, but also draining, sucking away your vital energies into a sinkhole of need that changes as the years go on, but never ends.
When the Ds started coming home, they raged at her, ferocious clashes that left all three of them retreating to corners of their house like exhausted boxers. They took away privileges, they withdrew access, they made her life monastic- school, home, work, food, bed. Repeat. Nothing worked. The flood of poor grades continued.
I looked down at her, sleeping, finally, after another tear stained, dispute filled evening. She made him confront every insecurity he had about himself- every unsure step professionally, every poor purchase and unwise investment now a silent rebuke. How could he purport to advise her, when he couldn't manage his own life?
He knew her universe was different- while the Internet exploded as a phenomenon for him as a young adult, she had been born into it, swimming in seas of data since she could walk. Maybe his formulas- go to school, learn, work hard, get a good job- didn't work in the new coordinate system she lived in. He didn't know what she needed, and she proved to him daily how little he understood about her, and indeed about anything at all.
Your children are like you, only they're not. They are fun house versions of you, with some of your features: your nose, her eyes, your impatience, her vanity. They are precious, but also draining, sucking away your vital energies into a sinkhole of need that changes as the years go on, but never ends.
When the Ds started coming home, they raged at her, ferocious clashes that left all three of them retreating to corners of their house like exhausted boxers. They took away privileges, they withdrew access, they made her life monastic- school, home, work, food, bed. Repeat. Nothing worked. The flood of poor grades continued.
I looked down at her, sleeping, finally, after another tear stained, dispute filled evening. She made him confront every insecurity he had about himself- every unsure step professionally, every poor purchase and unwise investment now a silent rebuke. How could he purport to advise her, when he couldn't manage his own life?
He knew her universe was different- while the Internet exploded as a phenomenon for him as a young adult, she had been born into it, swimming in seas of data since she could walk. Maybe his formulas- go to school, learn, work hard, get a good job- didn't work in the new coordinate system she lived in. He didn't know what she needed, and she proved to him daily how little he understood about her, and indeed about anything at all.
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
100 Word Challenge: Blind Date
Velvet Verbosity's 100 Word Challenge is long off the tee, has a very strong short game, and can putt like nobody's business. The word this week is "gratuitous", and my story is called "Blind Date". As always, feel free to complete the challenge on your own blog and plug your link in right here:
And now, "Blind Date":
She was beautiful- long showers of black hair that shimmered when she moved her head, wide brown eyes that focused on you with a pleasurable warmth, and a body that suited a cocktail dress perfectly. I finally thought my pal Eric had sent me on a blind date with a winner when she said, as we got up to leave the restaurant, "Aren't you going to leave a gratuitous?"
I looked at her blankly.
"You know, a tip?"
"Thanks for reminding me," I said affably, sliding two tens onto the table. Looks aren't everything, I thought, chuckling silently.
And now, "Blind Date":
She was beautiful- long showers of black hair that shimmered when she moved her head, wide brown eyes that focused on you with a pleasurable warmth, and a body that suited a cocktail dress perfectly. I finally thought my pal Eric had sent me on a blind date with a winner when she said, as we got up to leave the restaurant, "Aren't you going to leave a gratuitous?"
I looked at her blankly.
"You know, a tip?"
"Thanks for reminding me," I said affably, sliding two tens onto the table. Looks aren't everything, I thought, chuckling silently.
Monday, February 28, 2011
IndieInk Writing Challenge: Circles
Today is brought to you by the IndieInk Writing Challenge (IndieInk.org), in which members of the IndieInk Writers Collective challenge each other to post on their blogs on a given subject. My challenge was issued by Miss Ash (who writes here), who asks "Write a bookended piece. (Where you start out and end the post with the same general thought. A circle, so to speak.)". The challenge I issued will be answered here. My piece, "Circles", follows:
The thing about circles is, you always wind up the same place that you started.
***
You start alone, with a blank screen and an injunction to write- write about circles. Write about coming back to where you started, or getting back to where you once belonged.
***
see more Funny Graphs
Circles can make your point nicely.
***
"Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?"
-Billy Crystal, as City Slickers' Mitch Robbins, on the circle of life
***
New York Knick and part time philosopher Amare Stoudemire asserts that, when encircled by those who oppose you, rise above them.
***
Have you ever heard the old school joke about saying something "in your own words"? The joke is, of course, that you can't use your own words. You have to use the same words everybody else does. I've written thousands upon thousands of words, here and elsewhere, and there are times- lots of lots of times- when I can't see the point of it any more. It's not going to make me famous, it's not going to make me rich. There's lots of other things I could be, nay, should be, doing with this time. But I'm not.
I'm using words that you all know- words that we've all been taught- somehow hoping that the alchemy of my brain, my personal collection of neuroses, fears, and wonder, will add to these words a spark of something, a tiny slice of the divine that will light up sympathetic areas of your brain, perhaps, hopefully, inducing a tiny little squirt of dopamine because I have brought you pleasure.
I write because I have always written.
I write because I don't know what else to do.
I write because I have to do something with these thoughts or my brain will explode.
***
Johnny Cash and June Carter ask if the Circle will be Unbroken.
***
"Any baseball is beautiful. No other small package comes as close to the ideal in design and utility." -Roger Angell
A baseball is a circle.
"The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone." - A. Bartlett Giamatti
So is a baseball season.
***
The thing about circles is, you always wind up the same place that you started.
The thing about circles is, you always wind up the same place that you started.
***
You start alone, with a blank screen and an injunction to write- write about circles. Write about coming back to where you started, or getting back to where you once belonged.
***
see more Funny Graphs
Circles can make your point nicely.
***
"Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?"
-Billy Crystal, as City Slickers' Mitch Robbins, on the circle of life
***
New York Knick and part time philosopher Amare Stoudemire asserts that, when encircled by those who oppose you, rise above them.
***
Have you ever heard the old school joke about saying something "in your own words"? The joke is, of course, that you can't use your own words. You have to use the same words everybody else does. I've written thousands upon thousands of words, here and elsewhere, and there are times- lots of lots of times- when I can't see the point of it any more. It's not going to make me famous, it's not going to make me rich. There's lots of other things I could be, nay, should be, doing with this time. But I'm not.
I'm using words that you all know- words that we've all been taught- somehow hoping that the alchemy of my brain, my personal collection of neuroses, fears, and wonder, will add to these words a spark of something, a tiny slice of the divine that will light up sympathetic areas of your brain, perhaps, hopefully, inducing a tiny little squirt of dopamine because I have brought you pleasure.
I write because I have always written.
I write because I don't know what else to do.
I write because I have to do something with these thoughts or my brain will explode.
***
Johnny Cash and June Carter ask if the Circle will be Unbroken.
***
"Any baseball is beautiful. No other small package comes as close to the ideal in design and utility." -Roger Angell
A baseball is a circle.
"The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone." - A. Bartlett Giamatti
So is a baseball season.
***
The thing about circles is, you always wind up the same place that you started.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Human Smoke
I just finished reading Nicholson Baker's "Human Smoke", a nonfiction collection of reportage from the beginning of World War II. Baker collects diary entries, newspaper stories, speeches, and other bits from sources on both sides to tell a version of the story up to and including Pearl Harbor. I went on to read, on Goodreads and Amazon and other places, some very angry negative reviews of the book.
The complaints seem to center on the notion that Baker isn't being fair to figures like Churchill and Roosevelt, and is being too fair to pacifists like Gandhi and the Quakers. Indeed, any selection of quotes includes the bias of the selector- and you come away from Nicholson's book with a new perception of the absolute goodness of the Western powers. You could probably select a different series of entries and come out with a very different book. The complaints usually also say something along the lines of "pacifism is all well and good, but there was no negotiating with Hitler." That is probably true. And Baker's work, powerful as it is, does not give you an entire picture of World War II- if this is your first World War II book, you should probably look elsewhere.
But what I came away from the book with was an appreciation for how consistent the peace movement was. I think I always knew (and after sending my son to a Quaker school, I couldn't help but know) about Quaker pacifism. A question that had interested me, but I never asked anyone who was in a position to know, was "You oppose all wars? Even World War II? Even against the people who built ovens to roast human beings?" And the answer is, "Yes, even then." I don't know if I have the courage to favor such an absolute path. But I certainly admire the consistency. If you want to know a little bit more about how some people opposed even World War II, "Human Smoke" is a good place to start.
The complaints seem to center on the notion that Baker isn't being fair to figures like Churchill and Roosevelt, and is being too fair to pacifists like Gandhi and the Quakers. Indeed, any selection of quotes includes the bias of the selector- and you come away from Nicholson's book with a new perception of the absolute goodness of the Western powers. You could probably select a different series of entries and come out with a very different book. The complaints usually also say something along the lines of "pacifism is all well and good, but there was no negotiating with Hitler." That is probably true. And Baker's work, powerful as it is, does not give you an entire picture of World War II- if this is your first World War II book, you should probably look elsewhere.
But what I came away from the book with was an appreciation for how consistent the peace movement was. I think I always knew (and after sending my son to a Quaker school, I couldn't help but know) about Quaker pacifism. A question that had interested me, but I never asked anyone who was in a position to know, was "You oppose all wars? Even World War II? Even against the people who built ovens to roast human beings?" And the answer is, "Yes, even then." I don't know if I have the courage to favor such an absolute path. But I certainly admire the consistency. If you want to know a little bit more about how some people opposed even World War II, "Human Smoke" is a good place to start.
Flashing On Friday With Someone Who Isn't Angie Harmon
The 52/250 blog has another story by me this week. The theme is "Coincidence", and my story can be found here.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Top of the Pop Charts
Five Seconds Of Every #1 Pop Single Part 2 by mjs538
This absolutely freaking fascinated me. It is, as it says, 5 seconds of every number one song on the US Pop charts. (This part starts with "Down Under" by Men At Work- there is a part 1, too.) It astounds me the number that I knew. I didn't realize performers like Lionel Richie had that many #1 hits- which I guess in part explains why he lives where he lives, and I live where I live. (h/t to the Nerdist for finding it.)
This absolutely freaking fascinated me. It is, as it says, 5 seconds of every number one song on the US Pop charts. (This part starts with "Down Under" by Men At Work- there is a part 1, too.) It astounds me the number that I knew. I didn't realize performers like Lionel Richie had that many #1 hits- which I guess in part explains why he lives where he lives, and I live where I live. (h/t to the Nerdist for finding it.)
100 Word Challenge: "Not Scary"
Velvet Verbosity's 100 Word Challenge has not been traded to the New York Knicks in the Carmelo Anthony deal, contrary to previous reports. This week, the word is Frightened, and as those of you who can read headlines know, my story is called "Not Scary". In an additional twist I was simply too dim to engage in last week, you can now enter the Challenge right here, as well as reading all the other marvelous entries, in case clicking on the link to go to Velvet's site was just too complex.
Without further ado, here it is- "Not Scary".
Without further ado, here it is- "Not Scary".
"Nope, he's not scary."
Diesel 10, usually the villain in my nephew's imaginary play, sat on the floor.
"Diesel 10's not scary?"
"Not scary." He looked at me, patiently waiting for me to catch on.
"You used to be scared of him." The past was gone, obliterated in the onrushing now.
"Not scary," he said, a little disgusted that I wasn't on board.
"Not scary?"
"Not scary." I remembered when I used to hold him, walking in circles in his yard, telling him about trees, and water, and yellow school buses. He was growing up.
Scary.
Diesel 10, usually the villain in my nephew's imaginary play, sat on the floor.
"Diesel 10's not scary?"
"Not scary." He looked at me, patiently waiting for me to catch on.
"You used to be scared of him." The past was gone, obliterated in the onrushing now.
"Not scary," he said, a little disgusted that I wasn't on board.
"Not scary?"
"Not scary." I remembered when I used to hold him, walking in circles in his yard, telling him about trees, and water, and yellow school buses. He was growing up.
Scary.
IndieInk Writing Challenge: "All Apologies"
The fine folks at IndieInk.Org (indieink.org) have started issuing Writing Challenges, in which a member of the IndieInk community challenges another to write on a specific theme, and is in turn challenged by a third person. We have all week(Monday-Friday) to answer our challenges. My challenge comes from TJ, who writes here and says, "You have an apology to make. You wronged someone or did something to someone as a child/teenager that you still think about today. Apologize. What did you do, to whom and why do you still think about it today?" (My challenge is being answered here, if you're interested. And even if you're not.)
There really is only one possible answer to this for me. There is a hinge point, a "Sliding Doors" moment where my entire life goes left instead of right. I could write about something else, but it would be fake, and I'd be thinking about this moment instead. I read some sage advice about that situation once- when you find yourself unable to focus, you may as well stop and deal with what's distracting you. Because that's what you're doing, even though you think you're working on what you're supposed to be doing.
I did someone wrong when I was in my very early 20s. I actually have apologized to this person, and she graciously accepted it. But the key now, as a friend mentioned to me in a letter, is that I have to forgive myself. That, I'm still working on.
What follows is fiction, in the sense that it never happened. Names have been changed, of course- places and events are not at all as they occurred. Then again, anyone who's tried to write a true account of anything knows that is true of nonfiction as well. So this never literally happened, and this isn't really me. But the emotions are real, and the apology is real- as real as fiction gets, anyhow.
All Apologies
I slipped into a long, shiny, polished wooden pew. I wasn't quite in the back row, but near enough. Not being technically invited, I wanted to draw as little attention as possible to myself. The wood was slick and hard, and I slid down, trying to look like I was waiting for others to join me. There was a burble of talk- not the boisterous talk of socializing, but a lower, tighter rumble of anticipation. The room was filled with stagnant light hitting dust motes, and it had that unmistakable church aura that made you look down quietly and mind your manners. It felt heavy and serious, and it was getting warm as more people filed in.
I had slid out of my house amid the early morning chaos, my wife managing the throng at the breakfast table, her pregnant belly poking out, bare and vulnerable, where her shirt gapped above her pajama bottoms. She looked at me, up early in a suit on a warm fall Saturday, with mild surprise. "Just a quick thing," I told her, grabbing a waffle as I slid past her. "I'll be back by lunch." She was used to business taking me away on the occasional weekend day, but not so used to it she didn't shoot me a furrowed brow as I made my way to the door.
That was fair. I had read about her wedding on Monday, a section of the paper left in a conference room revealing her face next to a rugged, handsome guy with dark hair and dark eyes. I knew instantly I had to attend, feeling the urge keenly, but I hadn't revealed anything of my plans to my wife. This was underhanded, at the very least, but I couldn't see the ensuing conversation leading anywhere I wanted to go. I concocted a morning planning meeting that would break up just in time for Tom Jenkins to hit the links in the early afternoon.
Anne had been my first real girlfriend - the first soul destroying, life dominating, every waking moment girlfriend I had ever had. She was bashful, sweet, with dark hair, a mild temper, and a delicate dancer's body. She had been my sole concern for almost a year, until, in a moment of weakness, I slept with one of her friends while she was squirreled away, trying to get into med school. I slept with her friend, without telling her, without breaking up, without making amends, without giving her a chance.
I watched people beginning to file into the rows near me- couples with small children, older people, dignified and quiet. Families. I seemed to be the only person here by myself. I tried to shrink down, studying the back of the program intently. The church we were sitting in predated the Revolutionary War, which was interesting, certainly. I thought about the generations who had sat here, the families that had formed and passed on and were replaced by new fresh faced people to fill the pews, and the nurseries below.
My betrayal was a routine one- one reenacted, probably, through all these generations that had sat here, singing these songs, carrying out these rituals. It wasn't anything I was proud of, but even as I moved on, meeting my wife and marrying her and siring my own brood, it always bothered me, like a tickle in your throat that won't go away. I had left her, but worse, I had left her without saying so, without having the decency or the sense of honor, the sense of self to stand there and tell her what I was doing.
I let her discover it, like John Lennon's wife coming home to find Yoko Ono there. I loved her, and I dishonored that love by a base, mean act. That was the part that burned- I loved her so intensely. I really did. And then, her absence enforced by something outside of her control, I threw it all away in a moment of weak shame. And to compound the problem, I didn't stand up and own what I had done, slinking away into the darkness with the friend, who would leave me eventually in any case.
It was so long ago, but it was my low moment. It was the one moment when my actual conduct so dramatically conflicted with my imagined self that I felt sick. I came here to see her at her moment of triumph, to allow her to win a battle that was being fought only in my own head. To think that she was still bothered by what I had done was pure hubris- we were adults at the time, but we were really children still, and she had moved on, probably days after I had left her. I had the same delusion many middle aged people do that anyone younger than me is a child, so I saw the person I was then as a bank account having, check writing, bill paying, credit card using child, partially because I didn't want to note the many ways that person and I were the same.
The church was full, and, without a word, the ceremony began, the air filling with heavy, reverent tones from the organs. I watched the procession, the gowned women teetering on uncomfortable shoes, the men trying to restrain giggles in matching suits. She came in. She was beautiful- every bride is, but the years that had passed had defined her, gave her more seriousness. She was still trim, obviously keeping in shape, but she seemed less delicate now, more able to withstand damage and heartbreak. And she smiled, a wide, radiant smile that told me she was at peace.
I thought about my wife, now probably trying to wrangle our sons into pajamas while showering and changing into fresh clothes for her own day's work. I loved her. I really do, I thought, listening to the pastor beginning the service at the front of the church. I didn't want to trade her messy hair, her absentmindedness, and all the thousand faults and tolerances we had built up over the years. I didn't know if there was a possible future with Anne I had missed out on- we could have broken up the next week, or the next month. I didn't know if this alternate future life would have been better, though I could scarcely imagine.
I'm sorry, I thought as she kissed her new husband. I'm sorry I treated you as less than human, and I'm sorry I punted away a chance at a life with you. I'm glad you found a life. Smiling quietly, I planned my escape and return to the lunchtime madness at my house. I'm glad I found mine, too, I thought.
There really is only one possible answer to this for me. There is a hinge point, a "Sliding Doors" moment where my entire life goes left instead of right. I could write about something else, but it would be fake, and I'd be thinking about this moment instead. I read some sage advice about that situation once- when you find yourself unable to focus, you may as well stop and deal with what's distracting you. Because that's what you're doing, even though you think you're working on what you're supposed to be doing.
I did someone wrong when I was in my very early 20s. I actually have apologized to this person, and she graciously accepted it. But the key now, as a friend mentioned to me in a letter, is that I have to forgive myself. That, I'm still working on.
What follows is fiction, in the sense that it never happened. Names have been changed, of course- places and events are not at all as they occurred. Then again, anyone who's tried to write a true account of anything knows that is true of nonfiction as well. So this never literally happened, and this isn't really me. But the emotions are real, and the apology is real- as real as fiction gets, anyhow.
All Apologies
I slipped into a long, shiny, polished wooden pew. I wasn't quite in the back row, but near enough. Not being technically invited, I wanted to draw as little attention as possible to myself. The wood was slick and hard, and I slid down, trying to look like I was waiting for others to join me. There was a burble of talk- not the boisterous talk of socializing, but a lower, tighter rumble of anticipation. The room was filled with stagnant light hitting dust motes, and it had that unmistakable church aura that made you look down quietly and mind your manners. It felt heavy and serious, and it was getting warm as more people filed in.
I had slid out of my house amid the early morning chaos, my wife managing the throng at the breakfast table, her pregnant belly poking out, bare and vulnerable, where her shirt gapped above her pajama bottoms. She looked at me, up early in a suit on a warm fall Saturday, with mild surprise. "Just a quick thing," I told her, grabbing a waffle as I slid past her. "I'll be back by lunch." She was used to business taking me away on the occasional weekend day, but not so used to it she didn't shoot me a furrowed brow as I made my way to the door.
That was fair. I had read about her wedding on Monday, a section of the paper left in a conference room revealing her face next to a rugged, handsome guy with dark hair and dark eyes. I knew instantly I had to attend, feeling the urge keenly, but I hadn't revealed anything of my plans to my wife. This was underhanded, at the very least, but I couldn't see the ensuing conversation leading anywhere I wanted to go. I concocted a morning planning meeting that would break up just in time for Tom Jenkins to hit the links in the early afternoon.
Anne had been my first real girlfriend - the first soul destroying, life dominating, every waking moment girlfriend I had ever had. She was bashful, sweet, with dark hair, a mild temper, and a delicate dancer's body. She had been my sole concern for almost a year, until, in a moment of weakness, I slept with one of her friends while she was squirreled away, trying to get into med school. I slept with her friend, without telling her, without breaking up, without making amends, without giving her a chance.
I watched people beginning to file into the rows near me- couples with small children, older people, dignified and quiet. Families. I seemed to be the only person here by myself. I tried to shrink down, studying the back of the program intently. The church we were sitting in predated the Revolutionary War, which was interesting, certainly. I thought about the generations who had sat here, the families that had formed and passed on and were replaced by new fresh faced people to fill the pews, and the nurseries below.
My betrayal was a routine one- one reenacted, probably, through all these generations that had sat here, singing these songs, carrying out these rituals. It wasn't anything I was proud of, but even as I moved on, meeting my wife and marrying her and siring my own brood, it always bothered me, like a tickle in your throat that won't go away. I had left her, but worse, I had left her without saying so, without having the decency or the sense of honor, the sense of self to stand there and tell her what I was doing.
I let her discover it, like John Lennon's wife coming home to find Yoko Ono there. I loved her, and I dishonored that love by a base, mean act. That was the part that burned- I loved her so intensely. I really did. And then, her absence enforced by something outside of her control, I threw it all away in a moment of weak shame. And to compound the problem, I didn't stand up and own what I had done, slinking away into the darkness with the friend, who would leave me eventually in any case.
It was so long ago, but it was my low moment. It was the one moment when my actual conduct so dramatically conflicted with my imagined self that I felt sick. I came here to see her at her moment of triumph, to allow her to win a battle that was being fought only in my own head. To think that she was still bothered by what I had done was pure hubris- we were adults at the time, but we were really children still, and she had moved on, probably days after I had left her. I had the same delusion many middle aged people do that anyone younger than me is a child, so I saw the person I was then as a bank account having, check writing, bill paying, credit card using child, partially because I didn't want to note the many ways that person and I were the same.
The church was full, and, without a word, the ceremony began, the air filling with heavy, reverent tones from the organs. I watched the procession, the gowned women teetering on uncomfortable shoes, the men trying to restrain giggles in matching suits. She came in. She was beautiful- every bride is, but the years that had passed had defined her, gave her more seriousness. She was still trim, obviously keeping in shape, but she seemed less delicate now, more able to withstand damage and heartbreak. And she smiled, a wide, radiant smile that told me she was at peace.
I thought about my wife, now probably trying to wrangle our sons into pajamas while showering and changing into fresh clothes for her own day's work. I loved her. I really do, I thought, listening to the pastor beginning the service at the front of the church. I didn't want to trade her messy hair, her absentmindedness, and all the thousand faults and tolerances we had built up over the years. I didn't know if there was a possible future with Anne I had missed out on- we could have broken up the next week, or the next month. I didn't know if this alternate future life would have been better, though I could scarcely imagine.
I'm sorry, I thought as she kissed her new husband. I'm sorry I treated you as less than human, and I'm sorry I punted away a chance at a life with you. I'm glad you found a life. Smiling quietly, I planned my escape and return to the lunchtime madness at my house. I'm glad I found mine, too, I thought.
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